Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"The City"

The City awoke. As the sun rose over the horizon, the sound of metal and gears began to fill the air. The dull hum of the sodium lights slowly quieting as the towers of steel and iron emerged from the ground and began their ascent towards the sky. The roads grew out of barren earth, covering it with their cold, rough, skin. As the towers creaked and screeched, signaling that they were happy with their height, the traffic lights began to string themselves from lamppost to lamppost crisscrossing the roads below. The chains and gates peeled themselves back to reveal shops and lobbies, restaurants and bars, along with the occasional theater. In the windows, signs turned and illuminated inviting all that passed to "come in" and that they were "open." Then all the others sounds became unimportant, the rumble of The Cars began to flood the streets and avenues, replacing the city's sounds with their own. The humming gave way to honking and the creaking was replaced with sirens, the screeching remained but instead of the sound of metal scraping metal, it was now the sound of rubber on asphalt. And when at the end of the day as The Cars disappeared and the buildings crawled back into the earth The City found itself satisfied. It's work was done, it was time for it to rest, for tomorrow The City would awaken again.

1 comment:

  1. You asked for comments...so here goes:

    I'll start w/ the bad: type in the middle "others sounds" should be "other sounds".

    It's good, it's perhaps more 'halting' than it needs to be. The city awoke is short...but it's too short. If that was the only instance of short, then that's fine. But you have "The roads grew out of barren earth, covering it with their cold, rough, skin." The commas kill it. Totally, dead. Too many commas.

    You get into minute detail, and you portray a single scene. Often that is done in plays, but this is not a play. Nor is a short story, for there is no conflict. Nor is a poem. It's a blurb, and for a blurb I liked it. But what about the blurb? What is it there for? Where are the characters? I can't relate to cars unless they're represented like in the movie Cars. I can't hope that the main character lives through a harrowing day, because we don't have one.

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